Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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