The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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