Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
