did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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