Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Randomize
