what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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