you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
