i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
