Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Randomize
