dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
