We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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