1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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