well I can't set my house on fire every night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
