Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
