You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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