I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
