Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
