I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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