Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
