I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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