Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
