Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
