My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
