Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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