I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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