you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
