sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
