Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Welp...herpes.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
