You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
