I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize