No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
