There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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