Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
