Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
