Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
