Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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