My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.