Where did you get a picture of my penis
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school