I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.