True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
