i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
