I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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