if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you guys were way drunker than both of me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
