there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My penis needs a shock collar
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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