I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
