Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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