the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
