He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
