My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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