I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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