For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
