And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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