I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
