hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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