Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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