What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
