I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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