I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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